Well, I spent my 2k.  This is not untypical behavior.  I spent it, however, on settling about 3k worth of debt.  This is very untypical behavior.  Now I have 150 bucks in the bank and so far, very little to show for it.  It's also going to take a few weeks to get my weekly unemployment checks coming again, since the most recent payment cashed out my EUC.  They say they sent me the application for EB already, but it is not here.  So who knows.  They say they've sent a second one now.  Until then, I am back where I was before (which is really a good thing, if you ask me) where I have basically no money and have to get by on that.  I just keep reminding myself it's only temporary and eventually it will lead to a happier life.  That's what I want out of this house, anyway.

*SALUTE*

Just achieved my first level 80 character in wow.  I am only slightly disappointed that this is the most important thing happening to me today.  In other news, I should be able to order my kitchenaid mixer today, and am going to chat with someone in a couple hours about my finances.  Later today I'll get my ducks in rows for school this week.  Whee!

Pain in my belly.  It's such a common occurrence that I try to ignore it but damn, it hurts.  Just tried swallowing a cup of water.  My stomach feels like I swallowed razor blades.  Fucking OW.

Daily vomit

My back pay for unemployment hit my bank account this morning to the tune of 3400 dollars.  Turns out that's the full amount of funds I had left on EUC, and will have to get the remaining 500-900 as soon as they get me switched over to EB.  

After paying off my short term bank loan (800) and Carlos (300) and the vet (250) I have a couple thousand dollars I can work with.  To buy a house and get the most down payment assistance we can, I need to be making zero income, or very little.  I think that should be pretty doable since we have proved we can live like that.  The down payment assistance programs require, among other things, that you have 2500 dollars in the bank, I assume for closing costs and the like.  Maybe I should put this 2k into savings for that, and meanwhile, I have about 5 months of EB ahead at 429 a week which comes out to 408 after they take 10% for taxes and add 25 a week for some kinda federal bonus money.  I had intended to spend about 200 a week on debt payments, but I was also thinking I had another year of benefits ahead, not just under half.  With the shortened schedule, I need to pay harder, faster. Now I'm thinking towards 350 a week. 

I don't know how long it'll take to pay it all off right now, but I did go to annualcreditreport.com and got my free annual credit report from each of the three main credit reporting agencies.  (Do NOT go to freecreditreport.com because no matter what they say, it's not actually free.)  So now that I've got about 120 pages of credit reports, I can start working with a consumer credit agency to get this resolved.  It is only a matter of time.  

So, this is the big magic I'm working on right now.  School has become, very unfortunately, more of a burden than a joy, but that's just right now.  I do know that once I have my degree, I will 1) feel much better about myself in general - in spite of all my schooling over the years, I still only have the one degree in CAD and 2) feel much more capable and prepared to make decisions in my life about how to be productive AND happy going forward.  Whatever difficulties I experience right now dealing with other people's insecurities will ultimately pass and the rewards will be sufficient to satisfy the effort.  I mean, basically, I should be much more empowered to be productive in a way that brings joy into my life, rather than toxicity.  I have enough toxicity to go around, thank you, and need no extra inputs from outside.  THAT is why I get so god damn fed up with the toxic fuckers at school.  They REALLY harsh my mellow, man.  They disturb my chi.  They have my kappa all outta whacka.  I'm just fed up with em!  But slowly regaining my sense of humor.


A very close friend said to me recently that one of the things he finds likable about me is that "It seems like there is almost nothing you're afraid to say. ... You're also never afraid to stand up for yourself and those you care about."  These two things are interdependent.  It seems that way to him because I specifically seek out relationships inside of which there is freedom for me to be Matthew DeTrop.  (Been looking for a new last name...  hmmm!) Where I can freely speak my mind, which I frequently do, whether the receiver likes it or not.  The trouble is that this is what I expect of anyone who wishes to command my respect.  Alack, this is a quality I find virtually non-existent in the world.  So I have three close friends, with one possibly approaching.  And many acquaintances but not people I would consider friends, and certainly not people who should consider me theirs, even when they do.

But in fact my experience in the world over the past 33 years has been that of receiving *incessant* advice that I need to reduce and confine myself to a volume, quality and content that is just not within my range.  EVERYONE who brings a toxic attitude into my life QUICKLY meets with an ugly part of me that is really a matter of setting healthy boundaries, even if they're not healthily created.  And for me, toxic attitudes abound.  But that's just me.  I get that it isn't the world, but it IS me.  

The difference over the past ten years or so is that I've really had good reasons to try to be different, and to be sure, I HAVE evolved positively, even if it has taken longer than anyone had ever hoped or dreamed. The men in my life have, in spite of my abuse of them over the years, been very good men who deserved better than me in every case.  And always, they have helped me to become the man I am today.  They have been the reasons I have striven to become a better man myself.  I owe them my life in that respect.  


But those who tend to dole out their usually ridiculous advice on how I should live my life don't often help me become a better man.  They simply reinforce the parts of me that are ugly and difficult and unpleasant.  It is a very difficult conundrum.  But alack.  The Beyonce interlude in Telephone means it's time for me to get my shit together and get out the door.  


So, til anon...

Yesterday was fairly uneventful.  I feel as if I am doing about 10% the work I am supposed to be doing - team mates had to help me out a lot yesterday, and I ***hate*** being the one who has to ask for help. 

Feeling sick today about school.  I can't count the number of times I have had to go to either school or work and have dreaded it for one reason or another, which has led to terrible upset stomach issues that start hours before I get out of bed. 

If it's not that, it's noisy neighbors or hungry cats that pretty much ensure I am awake at 3:30 every motherfucking morning.  This morning it was cats, then stomach.  Today I'm dreading returning to production and having to get into a new swing all over again.  I've got two days to master skills in which I couldn't feel confident until I'd practiced them for a year.  This sort of psychotic pace is just not for me. 

Which I think brings me to my most prescient issue.  

Rehi...

What happened here?  Why did I say nothing here for over a year?  

I guess my plan to go to school took root, and things got complicated after that.

I have to say that I am fairly burnt on this experience I'm having in this life where I am constantly labeled in every situation as too much of me, in spite of my attempts to scale myself down, be quieter, be less of me, to take it down a notch, calm down, relax or whatever else anyone wants to call it.