A Declaration of Intent

Well, since September 26th, I've been wondering what would be next for me. As I've sought work (which really, really doesn't exist) I've had to open up my mind to ideas about what comes next, just to be able to send out a few resumes. Arguably, this has been a good thing.

I've come face to face with more realities about Who I Am in the last few months than ever before. I am not, or at least, I have not been, a happy person. I have not been happy doing what I've done. I would rather be a happy person. (Which stands in infinite contrast to where I was half my life, 16 years ago.)

So then, even if I'm oversimplifying, it seems almost a foregone conclusion that given Who I Am (and here, "I" refers to my worldly ego) is equal to the story of What I've Done, then I must do (in the way of my worldly, doing-obligations) what I I enjoy, if my goal is to be a happy person. Because to be happy, for me, would require that I enjoy most of my time. For me to be happy, my time must be filled with joy, and it must be so precisely because the things I do add enjoyment to the sum of my life story.

So then, naturally, in this time I've been asking myself, daily, what would I enjoy doing, daily, as a means of being productive and self-sufficient? More simply, what do I enjoy doing daily? I daily enjoy smoking pot, playing video games, and cooking delicious food.

Smoking pot doesn't make anybody any money. Selling it might, but at the moment it comes with certain liabilities I'm not willing to accept. So that's out.

Playing video games is great, but it doesn't make you any money, either. Like pot, it's creating and selling it that makes the money. Consuming it costs money. I could go to school to learn programming, especially video game programming, and if I got to be strictly the creative force behind the games, that would be fine by me. But that's not the reality. The reality is that for a very long time I would be doing hard coding. And that's all. Much as I love computers, sitting in front of one both at work AND at home is not enjoyable. So scratch that, as well.

Food. The mystical, magical alchemy of the culinary master. I'm good in the kitchen, but only Carlos ever enjoys this fact. But every day, as long as I'm not battling some horrible depression or something, I enjoy cooking, even when I discover how NOT to cook. I could enjoy working in a kitchen. I have been told by maybe eight or ten people in my life that I should open a restaurant; I would be an excellent chef. Second only to being told I should be dead. I prefer the former.

So, now you know how I came to the conclusion today that I am going to go to Seattle Central again, and enroll in the Culinary Arts program.

Usually, when I come up with an idea (like my recent idea to become an Unitarian Universalist minister) I can come up with not only answers to why it appeals, but also, and much more importantly, why it does not. So I might say "I could see myself doing well at X" but ultimately it never becomes more than a thought. Because I can also see what I would have to overcome in order to do well at X, and I decide that it isn't right for me. This is almost always because I don't feel passionately enough about it to be willing to overcome the obstacles.

The difference in how I feel about this is that "I see myself doing very well with this." This is what I want to do. I used to think what I wanted to do was to be a psychologist, because I spent all my time trying to understand others' psyches, and indeed my own. Of course, what I found was not what I realized I had been looking for, but there it was, and there it is. And once found, it didn't take long for me to realize that in fact, I don't have a fraction of the patience necessary to listen to people complain about their problems week after week after week.

As a therapist, I would be brutal. I would have no clients, and those whom had endured my practice for any length of time would most likely find their "closure" in the name of a lawsuit. I tell it exclusively like I see it, and that tends to be something most people don't like, because I tend to see what's wrong with things. I tend to see the "why not's." It doesn't really matter why, it's just a part of who I am. Unfortunately, this is not the kind of careful consideration other people deserve when coming to terms with their own "issues."

Imagine if a chef took a couple of still-shelled-eggs, three strips of bacon, and some pancake batter, threw it all in a skillet, gave it no heat, and demanded, DEMANDED, that upon turning it out of the pan, the result be a beautiful Denny's breakfast, ready to be served to the Chairman of the Board for Denny's Restaurants shareholders. That chef works at the Denny's near my home to this very day. And I'm sure you can see, he's nuts.

So insisting that anyone be able to instantly do anything useful with the ugliness within them, which I can point out so easily, isn't helpful. Reading someone doesn't usually lead them to greater enlightenment.

My numerology report says that I am an "antenna for other people's emotions." Too true. So it seemed for a while that perhaps this gift was meant to be used in a therapeutic way, but even if so, my therapy isn't going to be served on a couch in an office. If you want a smile on your face, sweetie, I can help, but it probably has a day's worth of calories, and a week's worth of cholesterol in it.

So, that would probably be why my husband has gained fifty pounds since we first met, when he was a tender-young 17 years old. I can't help it. In my family, we feed those we love. And we feed them grease or cheese. Or both... on a good day.

Because the program at SCCC has 2 options, the Culinary Arts degree, or the Breads and Desserts specialist, when asked, I said I probably wanted the CA program. I thought Carlos would probably prefer that, since he's now going to the gym to fix what I've done to his body. If I get education in international cuisine, professional education around food, perhaps I can learn how to make healthy food that doesn't come out of a cast iron skillet, fried in bacon fat.

But who knows. Perhaps I'll get into the breads and desserts program, as I did end up reconsidering and asking to be put on both waiting lists. We'll see what the fates have lined up for me there. I know this, though: I feel excited about my future at this moment, for the first time in a long time.

For the first time ever I see a future for my (worldly, ego-)self that stretches beyond the next six to twelve months. This is not another temporary thing until I figure out what I want. I've had sixteen years of those jobs, and they make me miserable. I have seen how awful that is.

When I look ahead, I see myself doing well with this. I see myself going far with this.  I am happy doing this.

Yes, of course, I am aware that there will be trials and tribulations along the way. It will be HARD work. But I like a challenge.

In fact, that's mostly why I like video games. I like a challenge, and I like overcoming it. But I like selecting my challenges, and I definitely DO NOT LIKE the challenges I've faced these 32 years of my life, especially the last 16 years, my working life. Mostly, the challenges I've faced have been not only unnecessary, but worse, totally useless. Rarely has overcoming any challenge in the business/corporate world resulted in greater enjoyment. Challenges overcome have only led to more challenges of the same, detestable kind. The challenges facing the average worker these days are Sysiphean. With no control of ones destiny, and no hope for a brighter, or indeed even a different future, life becomes grim. That has been my life story.

But like all things, I evolve. And no doubt, I am within an envelope of transformation at this time. That is not the end of my story, nor is it anything other than a prologue to what comes next. And I want to do this. I want this. I am eager to meet this experience. Because for me, it's not a challenge. It's a joy.