Don't ask me what I think.

Yesterday was a classical example of how fucked up people are, and why I have such a problem with authority. 

I started my day ready to have a good day washing dishes and mostly taking it easy in the kitchen.  Apparently, though, a bunch of people have been very frustrated lately (myself NOT included in a rather a-typical fashion) and evidently this frustration led the chef instructor to have the dean of our program come visit with us during our lecture hour yesterday morning.  Christ almighty.

Dream, bitches.

When did I stop thinking Apple was a fucking amazing/awesome company like I did when I was programming LOGO in 2nd grade, and start thinking Apple was just ... too greedy for me to be totally comfortable buying an iPod touch?  

I mean, in the end, it's a pretty clever thing to own.  And really really, I need some tunes in my ears in the mornings/afternoons.  I just need Gaga IN MY HEAD so yeah.  That's something I wanna try to accomplish somehow.  We DO have a g1 not in use around the house atm.  Maybe C would let me use it.  Would just have to buy a nice set of wifi headphones for it.  


Anyway, this question had me thinking about like... well, you know like the idea here is that if you make something cool that millions of people want (not TOO difficult in theory given the human population of Terra Madre) you can really make incredible amounts of money selling it.  I read today that sixty thousand android devices are shipping every day.  Every day.  I mean, if you had a cool THING to sell, even if it was 19.95, if you get a million people to be dumb enough to buy your dumpster-destined plastic, you can make enough to retire, if you wish.  Or more likely, you can use that money to make more plastic shit nobody really needs or even wants more than a week after they've owned it, and which will find IT'S way to the dumpster, transferring untold millions of hard-earned dollars into your wallet in the process.  


And then I wonder.  


Is this the best we can do with our collective resources?  Is this the best we can do as human beings?  Is this the best evolution of human consciousness we can acheive in 2010?  HELLO!  We've seen the first DECADE of the 21st century just basically BLOW by with nary a shift in public policy regarding, well, everything that is, thanks to the economies of scale, at this point carcinogenic ways of behaving.  


Look, all I'm saying is we all KNOW we're doing this, but we don't have the leadership we think we need to get ourselves out of this mess, but if we can populate the world like this, and mechanize the building of huge cities and roads and equipment and vehicles and consumer products...... 


then...


well, people, we are all suffering from a sad, pathetic, and horribly tragic lack of imagination.  One day enough of us will wake up that we'll realize we can basically transform our world through the redistribution of material wealth, economic revolution, and a whole new system of resource management.  We'll some day realize that we need to dream more, together, and dream big - way, way bigger than 64 inches of flat panel glory.  


Bigger even than IMAX, or Disney World, or Dubai.  Bigger, people, than Europe, Asia, Americas, Australia, and dwindling arctics.  We need to learn to dream, together. 


Elseways, I think we are lost.  We've already basically transformed ourselves into a society of individuals who believe the only way we can have anything is to kill each other.  Whether literally or figuratively, that is how we deal with our fears about meeting our needs and ensuring our safety and survival.  The real threats to this however, cannot be met in the way we are behaving.  


I do hope we learn something different.  Because I hate being here sometimes, thanks to the way ALL OF US behave.    What can I say?  Human beings are so far, some pretty pathetic creatures in my view.  We can do better, but only if we choose to do so, together.

Human unity

Lux Aurumque 

In the words of Chuck Mangione, "It feels so good" to experience this video.

I find watching this to be healing in a way.  In our fractured, isolated, hyper-individualized world, this rearrangement of the splinters in a coalescence of harmonic beauty is a much needed image of unity.  The diversity of nationalities, skin colors, eye shapes, and self-expression (all factors by which we are socially programmed to fractionate our fellow human beings into "us" and "them") being brought together as one via those very same technologies that so often serve to divide us is truly a welcome twist.  I love how so many of the singers do not stand out as the "type" of person you might imagine would be caught on film singing in an acapella choir.  That makes me feel safer in the world.

Thanks to Carlos for pointing this one out to me.

Well, I spent my 2k.  This is not untypical behavior.  I spent it, however, on settling about 3k worth of debt.  This is very untypical behavior.  Now I have 150 bucks in the bank and so far, very little to show for it.  It's also going to take a few weeks to get my weekly unemployment checks coming again, since the most recent payment cashed out my EUC.  They say they sent me the application for EB already, but it is not here.  So who knows.  They say they've sent a second one now.  Until then, I am back where I was before (which is really a good thing, if you ask me) where I have basically no money and have to get by on that.  I just keep reminding myself it's only temporary and eventually it will lead to a happier life.  That's what I want out of this house, anyway.

*SALUTE*

Just achieved my first level 80 character in wow.  I am only slightly disappointed that this is the most important thing happening to me today.  In other news, I should be able to order my kitchenaid mixer today, and am going to chat with someone in a couple hours about my finances.  Later today I'll get my ducks in rows for school this week.  Whee!

Pain in my belly.  It's such a common occurrence that I try to ignore it but damn, it hurts.  Just tried swallowing a cup of water.  My stomach feels like I swallowed razor blades.  Fucking OW.

Daily vomit

My back pay for unemployment hit my bank account this morning to the tune of 3400 dollars.  Turns out that's the full amount of funds I had left on EUC, and will have to get the remaining 500-900 as soon as they get me switched over to EB.  

After paying off my short term bank loan (800) and Carlos (300) and the vet (250) I have a couple thousand dollars I can work with.  To buy a house and get the most down payment assistance we can, I need to be making zero income, or very little.  I think that should be pretty doable since we have proved we can live like that.  The down payment assistance programs require, among other things, that you have 2500 dollars in the bank, I assume for closing costs and the like.  Maybe I should put this 2k into savings for that, and meanwhile, I have about 5 months of EB ahead at 429 a week which comes out to 408 after they take 10% for taxes and add 25 a week for some kinda federal bonus money.  I had intended to spend about 200 a week on debt payments, but I was also thinking I had another year of benefits ahead, not just under half.  With the shortened schedule, I need to pay harder, faster. Now I'm thinking towards 350 a week. 

I don't know how long it'll take to pay it all off right now, but I did go to annualcreditreport.com and got my free annual credit report from each of the three main credit reporting agencies.  (Do NOT go to freecreditreport.com because no matter what they say, it's not actually free.)  So now that I've got about 120 pages of credit reports, I can start working with a consumer credit agency to get this resolved.  It is only a matter of time.  

So, this is the big magic I'm working on right now.  School has become, very unfortunately, more of a burden than a joy, but that's just right now.  I do know that once I have my degree, I will 1) feel much better about myself in general - in spite of all my schooling over the years, I still only have the one degree in CAD and 2) feel much more capable and prepared to make decisions in my life about how to be productive AND happy going forward.  Whatever difficulties I experience right now dealing with other people's insecurities will ultimately pass and the rewards will be sufficient to satisfy the effort.  I mean, basically, I should be much more empowered to be productive in a way that brings joy into my life, rather than toxicity.  I have enough toxicity to go around, thank you, and need no extra inputs from outside.  THAT is why I get so god damn fed up with the toxic fuckers at school.  They REALLY harsh my mellow, man.  They disturb my chi.  They have my kappa all outta whacka.  I'm just fed up with em!  But slowly regaining my sense of humor.


A very close friend said to me recently that one of the things he finds likable about me is that "It seems like there is almost nothing you're afraid to say. ... You're also never afraid to stand up for yourself and those you care about."  These two things are interdependent.  It seems that way to him because I specifically seek out relationships inside of which there is freedom for me to be Matthew DeTrop.  (Been looking for a new last name...  hmmm!) Where I can freely speak my mind, which I frequently do, whether the receiver likes it or not.  The trouble is that this is what I expect of anyone who wishes to command my respect.  Alack, this is a quality I find virtually non-existent in the world.  So I have three close friends, with one possibly approaching.  And many acquaintances but not people I would consider friends, and certainly not people who should consider me theirs, even when they do.

But in fact my experience in the world over the past 33 years has been that of receiving *incessant* advice that I need to reduce and confine myself to a volume, quality and content that is just not within my range.  EVERYONE who brings a toxic attitude into my life QUICKLY meets with an ugly part of me that is really a matter of setting healthy boundaries, even if they're not healthily created.  And for me, toxic attitudes abound.  But that's just me.  I get that it isn't the world, but it IS me.  

The difference over the past ten years or so is that I've really had good reasons to try to be different, and to be sure, I HAVE evolved positively, even if it has taken longer than anyone had ever hoped or dreamed. The men in my life have, in spite of my abuse of them over the years, been very good men who deserved better than me in every case.  And always, they have helped me to become the man I am today.  They have been the reasons I have striven to become a better man myself.  I owe them my life in that respect.  


But those who tend to dole out their usually ridiculous advice on how I should live my life don't often help me become a better man.  They simply reinforce the parts of me that are ugly and difficult and unpleasant.  It is a very difficult conundrum.  But alack.  The Beyonce interlude in Telephone means it's time for me to get my shit together and get out the door.  


So, til anon...